Worship

I was thinking today on my way to work, and the question that popped into my head was, Why don't I Worship God like I used to?  Where has that zeal gone?  How do I get that warm and fuzzy feeling back in my heart?  Or do I even need to?

My initial response was the obvious one; I am mad at God.  I truly am.  I will openly admit to anyone who asks that I am mad at God.  I watched a movie the other day.  It wasn't a very good one overall, but it had one powerful scene that explains it much better than I ever could.

The Movie was called Joyful Noise.  One of the characters was a teenage boy with Aspergers.  He was crying on the couch, and his mom was trying to comfort him.  She began to talk about God and his love for him and he pushed her away.  "I hate God!"  He screamed out as if he had been holding it inside for years and finally it all came out at once.  "I hate God for making me this way!  And if you loved me, then you would hate God too."

It got kind of cheesy after that, but the moment was powerful to me because it describes my anger towards God and everything related to him.Say all you want about how God made my son autistic for a reason, how he is perfect just the way he is, and how I wouldn't want him any other way.  Bull Shit!  Other people can lie to themselves all they want if it makes them feel better, but the truth is if God came to any of them and said, "I can take this burden from your son and make his brain work correctly again", then I don't know a parent who wouldn't take him up on it.

My son's brain isn't functioning correctly.  He can't empathize.  He can't understand the world around him.  He gets angry sometimes.  He gets obsessions to help pacify the frustration inside.  He will probably never get married or have children, so it hurts me to hear him talk about it.  He won't have many friends.  Most people tolerate him, but some are mean to him.  They don't understand him.

So, yes, I am mad!  I don't understand why a loving God, who has the ability to cure him, wouldn't.

But as I thought about it more I came to a realization; It's OK to be mad at God.  Just as a Father knows his teenage son is still learning the ropes and is just trying to understand himself and the world around him, God knows this too.  He knows I am still too young to really understand in the scheme of eternity.  And I believe he prefers I be honest with him and myself about my feelings because it's the only way I can grow and learn and become closer to him.

In my marriage I spent the first 10 years of it never really expressing any of my bad feelings towards my wife and only praising and talking about the good things.  It almost destroyed my marriage.  In order for you to have more than a shallow surface level relationship with God, you need to be able to have it out with him from time to time.  You need to be able to be angry, to not understand him.  It may take me a lifetime to get over it, and maybe I won't really understand it all until the afterlife.  Maybe it takes me a thousand years.  But honest sincere feelings are the only way I'll ever get over it, and in the end that will create an intimacy with God that far surpasses someone who has never expressed anger or disappointment with God.  My anger towards God IS a form of Worship!

I also realized that just because I don't sing his praises at every turn, I still show my love for him in other ways.  The very fact that I am writing this blog is a form of worship.  Intellectual worship is very pleasing to God.  I am trying to understand him, and bringing other people on that journey as well.  I'm sure our spouses and parents and children and friends, would LOVE it if we tried to understand them better.  To be honest, it would be much easier to sing songs and post happy scriptures on my facebook page.  I may not have the zeal like a couple on it's honeymoon, but I do have commitment like an old couple.

I'm committed to all the things that make up God's character.  Truth, Love, Grace!  Still working on the Faith part, but I think those are the 4 things we should all be seeking more of in ourselves, and in doing so you are worshipping God more than any song ever will.